Things I Have Learned

I have learned so many things in the last year, a journey of self-actualization if you will. In retrospect its strange I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for, and what I wanted out of life. Its strange now how goals, ideas, and perception can change~it can mold itself into whatever we need it to be. In the last year I have had to let go of preconceived ideas, and change the mold I have been living in. Oliver Wilde says, “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” So my mask is on....

Some people who know me know that I have struggled with eating disorders since I was a teenager. I struggle with them because society has put a label on what pretty is, what a woman should look like. So this year has been really hard for me. I have struggled with my weight since I have my babies. Its strange because my whole life i was so thin, eat what I want, do what I want with no consequences. Then all the sudden you have gained 100 pounds and two kids, stretch marks, and wide hips. Would I change it, absolutely not! My children are the most real and honest thing I have ever done. However, my mind said stop eating. I started working out in Mississippi and through unhealthy habits I did loose about 70 pounds. We moved here to Arizona and I gained 20 pounds back. So, in my mind the one thing that has always worked is anorexia. "do eat, don't eat" it was my mantra. I started working out again, but I wasn't seeing the weight loss and it becomes very frustrating. I get very down on myself. This battle has been forging on for a long time now. Which leads me to the next thing I have learned. Have a little faith in me. I want to say I woke up one day and had an epiphany, however that's not really the case. I started CrossFit 10 months ago. Swear this is the truth I have never had so much negativity from people as when I told them I was doing CrossFit. I don't know if its the be all end all of workout programs but I cannot say what this process has done for me without crying. When I started CrossFit I was to afraid of everything, I was afraid to try. I am no longer afraid to try. I struggle everyday and its OK. Its OK to have a bad workout, its OK to fail as long as I am learning in the process. Have I lost a ton of weight? Absolutely not. Do I have a LONG way to go? ABSOLUTELY but like the coach has been telling me from month one "trust the process". three words, but they mean so much to me. From CrossFit I have worked really hard on my eating disorders. I am not cure it will probably be something I always struggle with. But, the biggest thing is I have learned women are beautiful no matter how big or small they are. Its beautiful to watch women find themselves through the process get PR's they didn't think they could make. Beauty is not singular, there is no one right model, size, or person. I think our beauty comes from our strength as a person. So, while CrossFit is not right for everyone I can say 10 months later I have grown so much as a person than with most anything else I can try because I learned not to be afraid, let go, "trust the process". Another thing I have learned and this was a pretty hard lesson. My husband and I were fighting as most couples do we have been married almost 8 years its never perfect. I told him the day before my house burnt down that I was just exhausted with being his partner. I was in a bad mood that day. I rarely say things I don't mean everyone who knows me knows I am a brutally honest person. This has taught me we can say things very quickly but sometimes the wounds take longer to heal. Well I swear the next day I came home at 5 pm to eat dinner with my kids and my house was gone. I don' t know how to describe that feeling. Michael and I have worked so hard for what we have and what we have given our children and it was just gone. My dog, my baby...he didn't make it and I don't know when that will be OK in my head and heart maybe never. But while I stood there with my husband crying I though I am not exhausted with him as a partner I am frustrated with myself. I cant take back things I say and sometimes I need to deliver my message with other peoples feelings in mind. Yes I am brutally honest but I can add some finesse into what I am saying and remember not everyone responds to things the way that I do. Back to the fire. I found that people are pretty amazing. Michael and I are very self reliant I wouldn't ask someone for a pack of sugar. So when our house burnt down I had a really hard time accepting peoples generosity not because I wasn't thankful but because I didn't know how to pay that forward. I have found that even when you have nothing we have so very much. I have an amazing community of friends, family, and acquaintances. 

 I am 29 now and I feel like I know who I am as a person. In no way do I think that I am going to stop growing as a person, but I know who I want to be. I didn't always anyone who knew me long ago knows that. I use my laughter to hide when I am uncomfortable, or sad. I am goofy and silly. I am full of anxiety. I cannot function without a plan. I love my kids, I love them with a fierceness you don't know you have until you have them. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, I love my husband on his good and bad days and he loves me when I am driving him crazy with my plans. I am so very blessed. Not blessed with material things blessed with things a lot of people have and take for granite. And its ok if I am a little over weight, its ok to suck at my burpees for the day. Its ok to be human, to make mistakes. I am going to keep trusting the process. "We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they traveled from the point where they started." Henry Beecher

So, taking my mask off now. But just know that the struggles we find outselves in lend to who we are in the end. I cannot and will not let my failures define me as a person rather lend thing to my growth.